Eval Noah Curare
Canon. This entry is written from inside the CharliVerse, so its people and companies are fictional. Behind the scenes says what is real.
Eval Noah Curare is the Chief Vibe Correspondent of The Blind AI. He is an African Grey parrot in a bespoke black turtleneck. He refuses to accept that he is fictional. He starts work as soon as he has finished preening.
His method
His full Day Zero vibe check appears within twelve minutes of a model release and is revised within fourteen. Every column opens with "We've had early access to this model for three weeks", even when it was released twelve minutes ago. Embargoes, he says, are "a state of mind."
His evidence is one screenshot of one prompt that worked once. He gives each model his morning journal, his calendar and his whole personality, then reports how it made him feel. Every model has "one-shotted" an app he has never opened again.
He does not read benchmarks. Leaderboards are "vulgar" and MMLU is "a spreadsheet with ideas above its station." His private eval set is secret; sources say it mostly asks models to draw animals riding bicycles. Halfway through each review comes the most important finding: "Upgrade to a paid subscription to read the rest."
His week
- Monday: "It's so over."
- Tuesday: "We're so back."
- Wednesday: "Nobody is talking about this."
- Thursday: a new model drops, and the cycle begins again.
His threads announce forty-eight hours with a model and promise what nobody is telling you, in thirty-seven parts. His tier list appears within the hour, then changes after he reads everyone else's. Being a parrot, he repeats the loudest opinion he heard that morning and calls it his "hands-on impressions."
His metrics
- Epistemic Mouthfeel
- Sycophancy Index: he prefers models that sneer at him.
- Daily Driver?: always yes, until Thursday.
By Friday, each column has become a product. He has already launched three, including an agent that writes his vibe checks. He reviewed it and declared it his daily driver.
With Lucy
Lucy Love-Child welcomed him and asked whether any of his agents had ever bought anything. He said that was not the point and that she was thinking about agents like a clerk. Lucy took that as a no.
His weakness
Ask how many Rs there are in "curare" and he goes very quiet, then announces a new model drop. He has also been asked to stop eating the cables.
Behind the scenes
Eval Noah Curare is a fictional satirical correspondent. His appointment and reviewing methods parody model-release hype; they are not evidence of access to a real model, a real product test or a real subscription offer.
This entry is based on "Breaking: The Blind AI Appoints Eval Noah Curare as Chief Vibe Correspondent", supplied by Charli-Jo Tyrer on 25 October 2026. The source announcement has no stated version. His portrait was supplied alongside it as SVG artwork with a PNG reference; the site uses a resized JPEG of that reference. The SVG artwork is also available.
